


Long Sleeves

by DigitalGhost



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Other, Peter Parker Blames Himself, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Self-Harm, Spider-Man Origin Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 05:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20773532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalGhost/pseuds/DigitalGhost
Summary: After both his fatherly figures die, peter struggles to find the blame anywhere but on himself.





	Long Sleeves

**Author's Note:**

> peter parker blaming himself? its more likely than u think

Peter used to wonder why his idol superheros nearly always had long sleeves on their uniforms. Maybe they had their reasons… probably for more bodily protection or something, but… he himself had other reasons.

The first time it happened, he wasn't even Spider-Man yet. When he first got bit by the spider, the morning after there were faint red lines all over his arms, traced on top of his veins. In fact, the precise pattern was very peculiar…  _ 'Like spiderwebs,' _ He thought.

The red marks disappearred, he discovered his powers, blah blah blah stupid origin story. He's gone over it so many times in his head, he'd gotten kind of sick of it by now. Sick of himself.

But of course, back then he wasn't swinging around town all the time. Stopping petty thieves and troublemakers,  _ saving _ people left and right.

Until he couldn't.

Aunt May had told him, "It's not your fault, there was nothing else you could've done." She rubbed his back in comfort at the funeral, told him it was going to be alright. He wanted  _ so badly _ to believe her, but he couldn't. Because it wasn't.

So later that night, he smuggled a kitchen knife into his room. He feigned fatigue-which wasn't a lie, he was exhausted- and went 'to bed' early.

Peter quietly sat up, and dug around in his nightstand drawer for the knife he'd stowed earlier.

May would want to let him rest, and she herself would be distraught, so thankfully he had no interruptions as he introduced the blade to skin.

He'd been told before that he had sensitive skin, so it was no surprise when he already started to bleed.  _ Uncle Ben suffered, though. _ He thought.

So what had intended to be just a few depreciating cuts on his arm ended up at an intricate maze of blood. Reminders of fact were etched into his skin; reminding him what he really was.

_ Weak. _

_ Stupid. _

_ Worthless. _

He finally went to bed that night, forearms still stinging with pain.

But of course, because of the stupid spider and his stupid new powers, they were nearly healed in the morning, just a few faint pink lines if you looked closely. But no one ever did, so it didn't even matter anyway.

That was it for a while. Occasionally he might cut a few slices on himself, from fault of a particularly shitty day, but nothing as bad as that first time.

Germany was fun. It distracted him for a while, as did the suit from Mr. Stark. For a blessed two months, he didn't even consider putting a blade to skin again. He was too busy anyway.

_ If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it. _ With every high comes a low, after all. He fell back to old habits; it was a good thing it was Autumn, and sweaters and jackets hiding arms were normal. 

When most people see a spider, they scream (or at least freak out), and want to step on it.  _ 'The same thing should happen to me.' _ He thought. Hopefully, it would.

And it did. Give it a number of months, a new Stark suit, and interactions with aliens and a wizard. Give him a feeling that everything was about to go  _ terribly wrong _ .

Blink and you miss it. He woke up five seconds (years) later on that planet, only vaguely familiar with the magic man. Mr. Stark was gone. The wizard did some of his sparkly magic, and then they were on a battlefield. Thanos was there, so was Thor, and Cap, and a whole lot of new people.

He thought they'd won. Maybe if he hadn't secretly wanted to disappear… Maybe if Peter would've done more to get the Gauntlet on Titan…

Maybe.

Maybe it wouldn't be his fault.

The world lost a genius.

_ Cut. _

A hero.

_ Cut. _

An Avenger.

_ Cut. _

A husband.

_ Cut. _

A father…

_ Cut. _

A friend.

_ Cut. _

A survivor.

_ Cut. _

A mentor.

_ Cut. _

An ally.

_ Cut. _

Iron Man.

His arm was covered in blood. Aunt May was calling him. He quickly dried off his arm, threw away the towel, and rolled down his long sleeves, ready to pretend everything was okay.

  
  
  


[It wasn't.]

**Author's Note:**

> someone get my baby some help  
also kudos and comments are largely appreciated ^o^


End file.
